Open letter to the woman I met last night

As I pulled around the corner towards home late last nite (early this morning) I noticed a pair of flip-flops in the middle of the street. Going around them, I saw you laying on your back in my neighbor’s yard with your feet in the gutter. After parking the car in my driveway, I walked over to check if you were ok and it quickly become obvious that you were pretty drunk. I asked if you needed the cops called or anything (I thought that maybe you had got into a fight with someone and they had just left you there), but despite your slurred words you were very clear about not wanting any law enforcement involved; rather you just wanted to lay down for a while before going home. Knowing that if we stayed outside the police would probably show up (it’s a pretty quiet neighborhood) I helped get ya up off the curb, picked up your purse/phone/glasses/shoes, and brought you into my house. After putting you on the couch and covering you with a blanket, I set a bucket next to ya and made you promise to aim for it if you were gonna hurl. I had to take a quick shower (was filthy&sweating after working all day), and upon returning you mumbled something about me calling your husband to come get you. It sounded like a grand idea, but you kinda passed out before I could get his name and I didn’t think you’d appreciate me going down your entire contacts-list. A few minutes later, you stirred a bit and asked if I had more blankets ’cause your feet were cold. I asked if you’d rather sleep at home, and that seemed to make you wake up a lil’ more…you looked around and saw that you were in an unfamiliar place and you actually asked if I was going to kill you. I assured you that wasn’t gonna happen…I just wanted to get you home safely. (Plus, I didn’t want to go upstairs to my bedroom with a stranger passed out on my couch. I really didn’t think this one all the way through beforehand.) You told me your husband’s name and asked me to call him on your phone, but there was no answer. I then looked at your drivers license and saw that you lived only a few blocks away so I offered to take you there. After a couple attempts at standing, you were finally able to walk unassisted to the car, and you kept apologizing for “all this trouble” as I drove you home. After dropping you off and watching you walk inside, I realized that you might wake up with a lot of questions (How did I get home? Who was that guy in the red car? What was up with all those penguins in his house?) and no way of knowing what happened.

I can’t answer all your questions about last nite, but I can fill in the details for the hour or so between the time I found you on the curb and when I took you home…


And since I know some of you pervs are wondering, I didn’t channel my inner-Quagmire but rather behaved as a gentleman should….tho, I may have laughed a lil’ more at the drunk girl than a gentleman would.



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